Ever have one of those days where life just plain sucks? Welcome to my last three months—ever since I caught my can’t-be-soon-enough-ex-husband cheating with his paralegal. I’m thirty-five years old, and I’ve lost my NYC apartment, my job, my money, and frankly, my dignity.

But the final heartache in the suck sandwich of my life? My great aunt Maggie died. The only family member who’s ever gotten me.

Even after death though, she’s helping me get back up again. She’s willed me the keys to a house in the burbs of all places and dared me to grab life by the family jewels. Well, I’ve got the vise grips already in hand (my ex should take note), and I’m ready to fight for my life again.

Too bad that bravado only lasts as long as it takes to drive into Huckleberry Hills. And see the house.

There are 47 separate HOA violations, and I feel them all in my bones. Honestly, I’m surprised no one’s “accidentally” torched the house yet. I want to and I’ve only been standing in front of it for five minutes. But then my grumpy neighbor tells me to mow the lawn first and I’m just…done. Done with men too sexy for their own good and done with anyone telling me what to do.

First rule of surviving the burbs? There is nothing that Youtube and a glass of wine can’t conquer. Well, unless it’s your hot neighbor.